There's an old adage (and a bonafide cliche) that goes: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. When it comes to relationships, these words can ring true when entering and coming out of bad relationships. And the ring even truer when your broken relationship is set on rinse and repeat. Let's get some things into perspective, though: after the third time, there's no fooling anymore. You know what you have now, and for better or worse, you've chosen it.
He cheated on you with your best friend. She left you when your house went into foreclosure and your mom had just died. Or, he/she is just an all around bitter pill to swallow and makes you second guess everything about yourself to the point that your self-esteem is whittled down to a grain of salt. So you lay down the law, you give them ultimatums to change, or you say enough is enough and leave for good. But, what eventually happens? You get weak and ring them up, or pick up the phone and answer it the first time they call. You reminisce, you cry (on the inside for those who don't like to show their emotions), and then you find it in your heart to forgive them, and all is well... for a moment. And then, without warning (at least that's what we'll go with for the sake of the argument), lightning strikes in the same place twice. And now what?
Forgive them at your own risk. You've done this dance before, so at least now you know what to do. But, it doesn't matter how many times it happens, it never gets easier dealing with infidelity or someone who makes you feel less than human. No matter how much your common sense tries to rear it's ugly head, love is a fickle and cruel emotion that can sometimes attach itself to the worst kind of people. Believe me, dream lovers, I know how it feels to have feelings for someone and no matter how many warning signs appear, you will ignore them all and get hurt in the process. If you find yourself in the position that you're wondering whether to move forward with the relationship or to cut your losses and move on, take some time to yourself and reflect. Don't take a minute, or an hour, or a day. Take as much time as you can, because decisions like this do not need to be made hastily or forced out of you by an external motivator. Maybe you have kids, or have built a life with this person and cannot simply walk away. Whatever you do, though, you must do it with your own health and wellness in mind. No amount of emotional connections is worth its weight in emotional baggage. If you want to forgive them, do so with realistic expectations.
The "past" is the past. So, you forgave him/her. Now, you can't for the life of you forget what they did and whenever an argument comes up, you are quick to throw that in their face. And it's not just once, but every single time there is a dispute. Do you know what that means? It means not only have you not forgiven them, but you're still stuck in that instance. Did I not tell you to forgive at your own risk? Well, guess what? That's exactly what it means... your own risk. While you should never forget what caused you so much pain in the past, you should never bring it up simply out of spite or just to win a momentary argument. And on the off chance it happens over and over again, the trips down memory lane have less and less of an effect. Sure, you'll keep harping on it, but your actions show that he/she can continue doing it and you'll continue to accept it. The end result is a repetitive loop of being betrayed, forgiving the betrayal, rehashing the betrayal, and then around and around it goes.
Family and friends have a limit. I understand that you are in a vicious cycle that continues to run its course, but you need to be careful on how you involve friends and family in your drama. First of all, your family and friends should only want what's best for you, and most of the time, when they tell you to get yourself out of the situation, it is because of what they have witnessed or heard from your mouth. When you are stressed, they are stressed, and eventually they will grow tired of your constant indecisiveness and will not want to hear your problems anymore. Because as the adage goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice-" --- you get it. Your family and friends will have no choice but to wash their hands of it because there is only so much one can do for someone before it is solely on that person to come out of it. How many of us have witnessed a friend or family member's bad relationship only to whisper behind their back about how foolish they are being? Granted, sometimes this can be for sheer gossip, but for a lot of us, it is the only way we can be vocal about our disdain without risking our own relationship with the foolish person. After all, I've seen many a friendship and relationship ruined over a no-good boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse and the friend or family member was only trying to help that person move on.
The blame has to come back to you. Does this sound harsh? Absolutely. And, don't get me wrong: if you are in an abusive relationship, it is never your fault that someone puts their hands on you or maliciously mistreats you. They are a disgusting person and you should remove yourself from that situation, immediately, no questions asked. Those kinds of relationships almost always get worse, with disastrous outcomes. What I am saying is, it is one thing to forgive a thousand mistakes. But, when you forgive the same mistake a thousand times, it's pretty clear that he/she has no intentions of changing, and for that matter, neither do you. They may have their blatant faults, but you keep taking them back, same faults and all. And when you want a reason for why your life is in constant disarray or why you look at that person with contempt and loath to be around them, grab a mirror, look into it, and soak it in. It's you, dream lover. You can't keep blaming them for every single thing that goes wrong in your life. If he takes your car without putting gas in the tank when he's done, and youcontinue to let him borrow it? It's you. If she maxes out all of your credit cards, sticks you with the bills, and then you go out and apply for a new Mastercard and give it to her to go shopping? It's you. Not only are you willfully contributing to your own stress, you're enabling their bad behavior instead of confronting them. Sorry, but the self-pity train has to stop sometime.
Take it from me: as someone who has had to move on from an imaginary relationship, it can suck giving your all to someone who just won't give back. It hurts realizing that it's not the fairy tale that you envisioned and that when life happens, unfortunate things can happen. At the risk of ending this on a cliched adage, "To err is human, but to forgive is divine". In this case, however, that divine forgiveness can play into that human erring, especially when you constantly forgive someone, and there is no different outcome. Now, I end this on a very much needed, albeit not well known quote from someone who apparently had some sense: "The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes over and over again and expecting different results."
