When the ex and I split back in early 2009, my first thought was how much I do not want to be in another relationship no time soon.
Between disrespect, verbal abuse and not respecting opinions, I've dealt with just as much as I could with a bad relationship. I blamed myself for a very long time for even choosing to be in a union that was very toxic for all parties involved.
It was hard being with a man who thought the sky was pitch black even on a bright, cloudless, sunny day. He was not a bad guy, but being in a committed relationship with him was bad for my health.
In the mist of all this madness, we still decided to make two daughters. I would not exactly describe that decision as "smart," but while I strongly believe all children are gifts and should be celebrated as such, they do sometimes make relationships more complicated.
So after walking away from toxicity, with my two small daughters in tow, as I stated before, seeing another man simply was not on my radar. Even maintaining friendships were a challenge because I simply did not want them (or myself) becoming attached, especially with my daughters being involved.
And then the idea of actually finding a guy who appeared to be a winner, a great, respectful man to the kids and to you…only to find out he's got a prison record and a history of beating his exes.
Then you find the gentleman who appears to be a winner because he has kids of his own and is also a single parent. You go on one date that appears to be promising, he may do small favors for you here and there throughout the friendship, nothing too elaborate…only for him to start assuming you owe him something in return…like a serious relationship and steady, reoccurring sex.
Let's not forget about the amazing guy that has it all: great car, home, money (so he claims), can carry on conversations about the Renaissance to civil rights to stock market performance; just perfect! Then, he thinks it will be cute to text you a selfie of his "lower extremities" randomly to show you what your missing out on, not at all worried about one of your kids picking up your phone and potentially seeing his unimpressive "offering."
Sigh…what is a single mom to do with a love life? She wants to love again. She doesn't want to be one of those bitter, man-bashing women forever. She wants to date and find that perfect guy who will love her and her minions unconditionally. He does not need to have all the luxuries in life. Just a good heart and an all around good, productive human being. Is that so much to ask?!
Well as a woman whose been there, done that and actually found an amazing guy amongst the womanizers, control freaks and former jail birds, allow me to give you a little advice when it comes to finding love for you and your babies:
- It's not just about you. He needs to WANT to be an amazing potential dad to your children. Accepting your kids is one thing but being willing and ready to be a potential paternal figure to kids who deserve it is what you need to be looking for. If he even for one second gives a pause to anything concerning a future with you AND your kids, keep it moving.
- He does not have to be a single dad. Some of the most decent men I ever met are not fathers. Sometimes, some single mothers get caught up in the idea of dating only single fathers because they feel they are the only type of men that will really understand the concept that some dates may involve a Disney movie or going out for pizza. I've taken my kids with me on dates with guys that had no kids of their own and we're are still friends to this day. Just keep #1 in mind when deciphering between dads and non-dads. It will save you and your children wasted time and hurt feelings.
- DO NOT SETTLE. I was talking to a single dad for a short period of time who admitted he wanted to spend more time with another woman who just happened to not have children…as long as he and I could still be friends and hang out occasionally…aside for his new found girlfriend. Now, when he told me this, I was in this "should I or shouldn't I" settle point in life because I was near 30 and nothing promising has blossomed in my love life. I started thinking well maybe if he and I have playdates or something here and there, maybe he will change his mind….Hell no. You deserve to be number one as well as your kids. Needless to say, I deleted his number.
- Don't be scared to date outside your race. I know this is a touchy subject so I am going to try to approach it with some sensitivity. When you limit yourself strictly based on race, you do yourself no favors because you are trimming off tons of great potential partners. Some people date in their race for no other reason but for comfort and being able to identify with each other. Others have more narrow-minded reasoning behind their decisions. Ultimately, different strokes for different folks, but if your goal is unconditional love, why are you setting conditions, with one of the dumbest being race? Remember, a good man has no color, as does a good jerk.
- Luxuries should not matter. Let's be honest: you're a single mom. We are not always the most desired of the female population. When that is nice and stapled into your psyche, it should humble you. Thus, your decision-making should become just as humble. Being single for so long, I was given all types of bar stool advice about bagging me a man with a nice retirement plan and savings account. But after trying that a few times (and watching it back fire horribly), I simply humbled myself. I did not say lower your standards; I'm simply saying humble them. If you have trouble doing this, think about your kids. What does it take to make them happy? A Happy Meal and staying up late. That doesn't sound like a lot right? I know it sounds elementary but transfer that attitude to yours….be honest with yourself: why are you expecting so much from a man? I'm not saying date bums, but take heed to things that really matter in love and life. Money, cars and clothes are so far off the mark, sister.
- Pay attention to bad marriages. You noticed I said "marriages," right? You are getting back into the game to eventually be more than a girlfriend. You and your children deserve longevity in love. You will especially want to listen to men (if you plan on marrying a man). What makes them ticked off about their wives? Are they living or simply existing in their marriages? What are their wives lacking? What do they wish their wives would do more of? Are their wives supportive? Are they porn stars in the bedroom? Are they great disciplinarians or do they allow the children to run haywire at home and in public? Are their wives pretty good looking ladies or are they comfortable with looking like road kill? Learn to fill in holes where other women lack. NO! I am not saying go take someone's husband! I'm simply saying keep their wants and desires in the back of your head. You're already a great mom; work on being a great wife.
- Get a life. Men don't like clingy women. I had a bad habit of wanting to be around my man all the time in the past. Get busy with things you enjoy. I enjoy writing and blogging and it takes up time, time that I could be spending with the boo thing. But it's what makes me, well, me! I have girlfriends and civic groups I try to be active with. I like taking small vacations alone with my daughters. I sometimes have to travel for my job, which takes some time away from him. I simply have other desires that I enjoy alone. And frankly, doing your own will probably make him miss you and adore you more!
- Don't expect much from online dating. I did the online dating thing for years and I met some of the most ridiculous men from it. However; it's also where I met the great guy I'm with now! The best advice I can give for online dating is make an honest and to-the-damn-point profile. No one likes to read articles about how you love cooking. Leave the skanky selfies at bay; you will do nothing but attract nonsense. The profile you make is the profile you should be looking for in a mate. Pay attention to the basic info like whether or not he's a smoker, body size and shape, religion, etc. You can decipher a lot of losers from winners from that basic section. It's also the best way to decipher to honest Abes from the liars. If he says a devout religious follower with half naked selfies with him smoking as his profile photos, you may want to keep it moving. You owe nothing to men online just as you don't in reality.
- Get your financial house in order. This kind of plays into number 5. Simply put: do not expect a man to bail you out of debt. Get your mess in order before expecting a man to fall for your trap. No one likes or respects a gold digger! Getting out of debt is hard; I know all to well. The idea of affording my student loans every month makes me shutter but it has to get done, right? Being totally and completely debt free is not easy, but at least have it under control and do not try to hide it. Not to be shallow, but no one likes surprises, especially when it comes to our bank accounts, so when the time is right, have the money talk with him and be honest.
- KEEP YOUR PARENTAL HOUSE IN ORDER! I will not give this one much thought because if you get mad about this one, you need serious soul searching that I could never help you with. No one, especially men, likes bratty kids. A crappy parent is not only a severe turn off to anyone, but depending on how sloppy you are, it could be illegal. In the words of my best "urban-ese": Ain't nobody got time for that!! Get your parental house in order on your own; no man wants to do it for you. Trust me.
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