How to Be More Loving

Most people, when they really look a what's important in life, find love is at the top. And whether this means sharing love with your family, community or the whole planet, the inevitable question arises: how do I be more loving? We feel our love deeply, but in the rush and habits of everyday life we get distracted and don't often express what's on the inside as clearly as we'd like.

My observation though is that loving is not an uphill battle. Rather, expressing our love for others in a healthy and balanced way is like anything else that comes naturally: it just takes a little practice. But before we begin practicing, it's essential to understand what exactly love is to avoid the many pitfalls we may fall into. 

Love and Attachment

When we love a person, we also tend to feel like they are the source of the love that we feel. This causes attachment to arise. Attachment could be called "The desire for the other person to bring me happiness." It is about getting something from someone, be it the identity of being lovable or fun or smart, or the feeling of comfort or excitement. Because we feel that the other person is the source of whatever it is we desire, we become attached to them, and instead of expressing our love purely we do so in a way that we hope will secure the other person to us. Attachment is our natural tendency and it's certainly not wrong to feel it, but observing it and remembering that it is different from love can be very useful in our journey to be more loving.

Love is the opposite of attachment. Love is about giving. One Buddhist definition of love is "The desire for the other person to be happy." There might be more to it than that, but this way of thinking about it gets at something important, which is that love is actually about giving to the other person without expecting anything back. True love does not try to hold onto the other, it sets them free.

Love Comes From Within

Even though it feels wonderful to share love with a particular person, the love that you are giving to them does not depend on that person to exist. Love comes from within us. This means that love is always inside of you, and you can feel it at any time (it just takes a little practice).

Loving With Courage

It takes courage to express love, especially when it is directed towards ourselves. We are taught from a young age that we must condemn ourselves for certain thoughts or behaviors and not to do so--to love ourselves unconditionally--seems unnatural. However once we do so, we are able to express our love in a new, deeper way to others. Our whole life becomes more alive and more joyful. This is a lifelong journey, but you can begin just by experimenting: when you notice you are judging yourself, try offering love instead.

Likewise, it takes courage to offer love to others. It requires opening our hearts to them, which can be quite a scary prospect, even if it is only a little. Remember here that love is about giving, and in fact the giving itself is enough. No matter how it is received, your love has been allowed to shine, and by doing so you have made the world a better place.

The Practice: How to Be More Loving

Observe love and attachment. Attachment is natural and we can't stop it from arising. What we can do is observe it and see how it acts differently from love. This is easiest to do by watching your actions and asking yourself "Was this motivated by love or attachment?" It's important not to judge yourself based on your answer! As we observe our actions, we gradually develop the knack for self observation and eventually we are able to see our thoughts as they arise. This allows us to be deliberate in what we choose to do.

One act of love. The easiest answer to the question of how to be more loving is "Practice!" Choose to express your love in one deliberate act a day. Let it be spontaneous (the easiest way to make it genuine) and allow it to arise from the warmth of your heart. It doesn't matter what you do--there are infinite ways to express the love within, for those we care about as well as strangers!

Journal. Write a short journal entry at the end of each day about love. Keeping the focus open ended will keep it interesting day after day, but some suggestions are to write about your daily practice, the love that you observed others expressing, and the reasons you are grateful for those you love. This acts as a way of "training" ourselves to be more in touch with the love that we have within.

Practice "Giving and Taking" meditation. This is a way of familiarizing yourself with the feeling of pure love that makes it easier to express it in our daily lives. You can begin by practicing for fifteen minutes every morning, and I'd be willing to bet you'll be amazed at your capacity for love and compassion!